Maggie was a member of our ministry team at Pittwater for six years. She loves preaching, dancing and being a Mum to son Ben. Maggie is presently living on the Far North Coast ...
Its seasonal!!
I was in shock. At 47 years of age God was fulfilling His promise to me. I was pregnant! Just like Him to fulfill the promise once I had given up on it! Arvard and I wept many tears of joy as we savored this miracle.
My prayer life was SO FULL of what was to come.
All the ususal symptoms of pregnancy made it increasingly difficult for me to focus on my ministry. So much for my romantic notions of what pregnancy would be like!
But I consoled myself, believing things would improve once my baby was born! It never occurred to me that my life would be changed forever.
Reality hit — hard! Benjamin was born by caesarian section a month early. There are no words to describe my emotions as he was placed in my arms for the first time. It just couldn’t be more perfect …. But then we were allowed to go home!!!
Benjamin didn’t catch on to the fact he should be sleeping all night, until he was nearly two years of age.
I was constantly tired. I had no idea what I was doing, and wondered how I was supposed to grow this child into a great man of God. My prayer life suffered and quite times became a challenge to maintain. A sense of failure as a minister and as a mum set in. Guilt descended and my self confidence took a dive. I felt like I no longer had any control over my life.
Initially I was intending to return to ministry when I had completed my maternity leave. But I soon realized that I didn’t have the energy to be able to pick up where I left off. I handed in my resignation. I felt I had let God down even more.
We moved to Nowra, and I expected my quiet times to improve. Wrong again! By this time, Benjamin was walking!!! Life was more demanding. I needed to find a new church and make new friends. I fell into a depression, where I no longer felt like making friends or doing anything.
It became easier to only pray ‘arrow prayers’ and rarely did I have the energy to settle into quiet times. Guilt and shame increased. In those precious times I did sit before the Lord, a lot of time was taken up with apologies for failing to spend time with Him. It was not joyful or helpful.
Thankfully the Lord sent me help. A dear old friend visited me, in whom I confided. Her response helped me greatly to change both my attitude towards prayer and my sense of guilt.
Her words were so simple. “In Ecclesiasties it speaks of seasons of life ‘a time to toil and a time to rest …’ You have entered a different season. Your job in this time is to REST in the Lord.” It was that simple.
As I reflected, I knew she was right. These few years of Benjamin needing me is for a short season of my life. It hasn’t taken away from my faith in my Lord. It has helped me learn more about Him.
God’s love for me is not dependent on anything I can ever do for him. It is totally dependent on who He is! I haven’t let him down. I am simply walking in a different season in my life.
In Psalm 139:13 it says “ For you knit me together in my mother’s womb …” He planted Benjamin in my womb. And … He did that knowing that I would struggle. Benjamin and the struggle are God's gifts to me.
In Philipians 1:6 it says “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
God hasn’t finished with me yet. This is simply a part of the journey leading me on to become all that Christ has created me to be. I am fulfilling His purpose for me by resting in His love!
With the pressure of guilt and sense of failure lifted off I felt free to trust in the love and grace of God.
Interestingly, my prayers are freer and more joyful, even though still short. My sense of freedom allows me to enjoy being loved by Him.
So do I have a mission besides Benjamin? Yes, I believe I do. Hospitality! They are not necessarily ‘spiritual’ encounters. But they do include sharing God’s love and blessings with others.
Whatever we go into will require not who we were, but who we have become during this special season. Each new season builds on the previous one, enabling us to become the person God created us to be. Whatever He has planned, you can be sure it will include the deepest passions of our hearts.
So for now … enjoy the season … it will be over before you know it!
